I had forgotten about this blog until a beautiful friend mentioned it today and it made me smile. The blog was named after another friend who inspired me to write when I was struggling… Its nice to go back to my thoughts and read them. I’m so lucky to have my supportive Shinies in my life.
Friendship. It means so many things to so many different people. What does it mean to me? I don’t know if I can define that. I upset an acquaintance this week who thought we were friends. I think he is a nice guy, but I really just think we met and then he texts me a lot. I don’t really enjoy meeting people via the internet or social media. Was I wrong to explain that to him? I don’t know, but I was honest I suppose. I went to a friend’s birthday dinner on Wednesday and I was like family. Her son wanted to sit with me and he told me he loved me. It was the most genuine comment and I love that little man too. Her mom and sister got to see my awesome selfie fail in my undies that makes me look like I’m wearing a huge black strap on. They loved it and we almost died laughing. Her dad was a bit disappointed to be left out. It was like family. That is friendship to me.
I went with the same friend to a science series lecture on Monday night. The discussion was on Disabilities and Communication. She bought me dinner and we sat in tiny chairs with our huge asses kissing and just enjoyed each others company. This was friendship to me.
I went to a meeting today and saw a friend. I consider him a friend anyway, but he couldn’t look at me and looked so sad. I can’t assume if he sees me as a friend or no one, so rather than focus on that, I remembered that I consider him my friend. That is what matters. I don’t need anything back. I just need to be a friend and understand that people define that differently.
Yesterday, I spent my day shooting with friends. It was a lot of fun. I hadn’t shot a Glock in 12 years I think. It was something I needed to do to prove to myself that the past was in the past and I did it. I shot quite a few other weapons with the grace of popping myself in the chin and I have a chin bruise to prove it, but all in all it was a good day.
I’ve been so calm the last month, but I was glad to see that I haven’t lost the “Fuck off” Brooke when she really needs to be utilized. She came out too often before and was too harsh, but there is a time and place to tell people to take their bullshit elsewhere and yesterday was the day.
My friends I went shooting with are an interesting couple. She is polyamorous and he is monogamous which leads to a really interesting marriage dynamic. They asked me to come along, because we all get along, all love to shoot stuff, and I think he needed to be entertained while a new boyfriend of hers met with us.
So, I guess this guy became aware that I was coming along. I don’t know the guy from Adam. He sent me a FB message letting me know that he had only slept with one redhead and that he wanted more. I just replied, “oh, you are a collector.” He replied, “yes, lol” That poor man. I kept my calm, but may have let him know that I did not at all appreciate his assumption that I am available to be anything to him or a collector of any kind. I had never giving any intention that I was interested in him and he needed to not contact me. Then, he became afraid.
I must admit, I am a brat. I decided I wasn’t going to go, because what a waste of time, until my friend, the husband, asked me please go in case I have to hang out with a douche, and I found out he was scared. I decided to go.
The guy wasn’t that bad. I think I confused him. He expected some harsh bitch, but I gave him a chance and told him we could start over. I made snow angels and spent my time entertaining myself by finding every single piece of brass. He gave me the nickname Eagle Eye.
Did I end up liking the guy. No. He was kind of a jerk who admittedly just liked my boobs, eyes, and hair. I don’t blame him for that, but his lack of respect and other comments towards other people made me aware that he just isn’t very respectful. He taught me something though. I can be respectful anyway. I can give someone the chance to prove me wrong. I can have a good time even if I don’t love the personalities of every person involved. I’m sure not everyone loves mine either, and that’s ok. We can all still figure out how to occupy the same space.
A person who is very important to me mentioned recently that I seem to be trying to figure things out. The assessment wasn’t incorrect, but I think what he meant by that is definitely different than the actual situation. I am not in crisis. I am actually really happy right now. Am I confused and frustrated over a couple things? Yes. Did I have a hell of a year? YEEESSS! But, I’m good. I’m great. Are there things I hope and dream for. Of course.
I am working on bettering myself, because my journey of becoming a better person has not ended, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love myself or am not happy with who I am today. I am working on myself, but I guess I feel like that will be a life long process. Right now, it is intense – God is intense – and he is kicking me in the ass – in both harsh and beautiful ways and I deserve both. Even though I am working to be the best person I can be, I accept that I am imperfect and never will find perfection and I am ok with that, but that I can always improve myself. I also know that I cannot and am not objective about myself, so I use the views and opinions of my friends to help guide me because those opinions are useful and valuable. I realize those statements are advice and not judgement and I can take what I want and leave what I don’t agree with. I have felt the need to surround myself with people who also want me to be better. Thank you to those who do.
My biggest goals in self improvement are related: trusting and relying on friends/loved ones and trusting in God. It hasn’t been a perfect journey, but I will keep going and I won’t just walk, I will run, because I feel the need.
We are taught that independence is key and reliance on others is given a bad rap. Needing is associated with weakness and unattractiveness. I can learn how to get over dependence from countless sources, but none of them show me how to honor my feelings of intense reliance upon those I love. My desires for love and validation don’t evaporate simply because I find them unsightly or unwanted by the people around me. I find that when need is shamed it becomes very unhealthy: a lack of warmth in our demeanor and when it can’t be suppressed any longer, a messy mix of insecurity and anger.
We cannot simply extinguish our longing for connection with others. That is good. It is precious. It is essential and when it is expressed without demand or judgement, it can be a powerful aphrodisiac.
I learned something very important recently. I used to believe that what was missing in my life was love. I wasn’t wrong about that, but I was wrong about what kind of love was missing. I felt really unloved and unwanted and I felt this was why I was so unhappy. Recently, I was given a hand and helped a little on my journey and was shown something so simple. That was not what was missing in my life. I needed to learn how to love and somehow God gave me someone to love. It doesn’t even matter that the love isn’t reciprocated and that I can’t even explain why or how it happened. It was quick and sudden. It didn’t follow some prescribed plan that makes sense to Brooke. It doesn’t even matter that the person rejects me even if it hurts, because it is a feeling that I had never experienced. It was something my soul needed to feel. All of a sudden, I never felt alone, I felt the light of God, and I started taking better care of myself and everyone around me. I needed to care deeply for another person just because I do. I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t hope and hurt, but I can’t make someone care for me like I care for them and I don’t want to control them. I want them to feel as free as they made me feel.
Anyone who knows me already knows I have a lot to say. I’ve had difficulty sharing at all in the past and its hurt the people I care about. Now that I am learning that being vulnerable is not about weakness, but really about courage, I guess I am still having a little difficulty with making sure I don’t trample boundaries. If you are invited to read what I write on this blog it means something very important; it means I trust you 100 percent and I value your opinion. I may not always agree, but I value you greatly and want you in my life in some way shape or form. YOU are IMPORTANT to me. Very few individuals will be invited and please do not ask people to be invited and do not share anything with anyone that I didn’t personally invite. If you think I’m full of shit, feel free to call me out. I welcome it.
Why do I feel it is important to be vulnerable? It’s an interesting question and a new path for me. I always felt that if I didn’t put myself out there then I wouldn’t be able to be hurt. I was keeping myself safe. I was being utterly ridiculous. I hurt myself repeatedly because I was never able to voice what I wanted or to vocalize how much certain people or things meant to me. I was stealing my own voice from myself. Maybe wearing my heart on my sleeve now makes me uncool, naked, exposed… At least I’m being honest about my feelings, who I am, and what I want. I guess being cool is overrated in this situation.